brutal honesty from when I was hospitalized

Oct. 23.07

Hey God,
So here I am sitting on my bed in the hospital after 24 hours in emergency. I have no idea what we’re doing God but its hard. Not trying to complain ‘cause you have gifted me with amazing people in my life to support me through all this…but I wish I was better at not knowing what you were up and to and being ok with it.

Forgive me Father since my small little mind cannot contain everything that has occurred in the past 2 weeks health wise. Should I quit school? Should I not work? How can I not work? Am I in the right program? Do you want me to just take longer?
SO! SO! Confused!I just want to scream, get me out of this hole.

I want to get outside where I can breathe again. I feel like I’m being squished and swallowed. Like I have no control over what happens to me and that scares the crap out of me. I know I’m fighting you and I have no idea why. You are blessing me with so many good things…and yet something is off with me and I know it. But I don’t know what that actually is.

HELP ME TO GIVE UP CONTROL.
Didn’t think I needed to but apparently I do, and it’s HARD.
Give up my plans, my health, even my life.
God I feel so alone, and absolutely freaked out to be so alone. Not so much the place that bothers me but more so that I feel like I don’t have you near, instead something else is there and that something is very wrong.

Father I need you…I need you so much closer or I may as well never wake up if my days are not lived for you and by you. Why must it take crisis for me to be drawn back to you?
I want to say Father that I need you to forgive me for not treating your temple as I should. Forgive me for what happened when I was a kid…take away my guilt Father. Take it away ‘cause I can’t stand carrying its load needlessly anymore.

I just want out of here. This mess I call the monsterous side of Melissa. I want to be rid of it. Cleanse me, renew me, make me whole. I need to be made whole again.
I want to go home…not just physically.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Totally, but then I know that’s not what you want. You want me to fight. God show me that you are the one fighting, right now I just need to be still. When I get strong enough…I can be the one you may use to fight.

God fix me please. Help me! help me! help me!
I need you, help me.