too much time to think

I like having time to think but waking up at 4:30 and just laying in bed thinking for hours is like torture for me.
Do you ever feel like you just don't fit anywhere?
I yet again am struggling to readjust to my home culture after an incredibly eye opening trip. A whirlwind on thoughts and emotions are swirling and I lost my journal on an airplane so now I must dump on my blog.

My Father, how sweet it is to know you
I've run away far too often, too easily
There's been many a night that I lingered in those shadows that seemed to swallow me whole
Thoughts that would not stop
Lies that take me over
I'm waiting for the power I've heard of and need desperately to know
You are the living God not some piece of something that man could make

If you are the living God then why aren't we living like we know it?
You fill us so we can overcome but we shrink back and are destroyed.

It makes me sick that I have been so blessed, so privileged, so safe and comfortable
Oh God, my heart breaks for them
Overwhelmed by the sorrow, suffering and sin that has engulfed their lives
You are gracious and compassionate, do something Father!

The human heart is so filthy and self absorbed, save us from the things that we think we need but that really only destroy us
Oh God, awaken in your people a passion for you, a hate for sin.
Anything that would directly or slowly tear us from you...
I despair at the thought of it.
I would have been swallowed by fear if you were not on my side.
If you were not there.

Show me that there is hope
Convince me of the truth
Remind me what its like to have peace
Content with myself
Perfection cannot be expected of anyone
Look forward to the future but live in the moment
Married, Kids, Missions...the 3 most important things to me that I desire.
You know my heart, its yours, help me to trust and wait.
Keep perspective
Use my ability to feel deeply for your glory, don't let me fall apart, fall away
Love deeply
Unconditionally, not something I make up but offer it to anyone and everyone
Trust completely
completely!

Playing with Fire

Playing with fire
Though it burns I linger
With a want for more

How could pain be something I crave?
The only solution in my mind.

What am I thinking!?
Everything and yet nothing...
I feel hallow, I think in one box, one zone.
How can I get free?
I'm thinking;
I'm underserving
I'm no good
I'm lost and alone
I'm hurting, broken and falling apart
I'm losing
I've lost

You want me to break?
I'll show you broken!

Someone save me
If you find anything worthwhile
Someone love me back
Someone fight for me
I'm took weak to think, to stand, or swing

How far can I go...till you refuse to take me back?
I'm destroying myself.
Break me,
heal me,
love me,
take me back.

God thoughts...

'Do you think I cannot call on my Father,
and He will at once put at my disposal more than 12 legions of angels?
But how then would the scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?'
Matt. 26:53-54

Jesus seems to be asking me this same question, similar but with obviously different circumstances. I think the meanign is not lost.

What do I believe God can/can't do? Then, what is the truth?
In reality, what is often the case 'must happen this way'for various reasons. Some reasons we get to know and understand, while others we never will. For example, God must remain consistent with his character, our character needs developement. So we can reject God or choose to learn something new about His character.

let my heart live

Lift up my head in this time of trouble,
Carry me when I can't carry on.

Look like we're pretty broken this time;
downcast, disturbed, Oh my soul!
Let my heart live!

Put your hope in God,
for I will still praise him,
my Saviour and my God.

questions I ask myself

If I asked you for something would I see it?
I'm not sure if I have the faith that I would.

If you asked me to follow you, I know I should.
If only my life and my heart would convince you that I could.

If I was in trouble and close to death,
would I trust that you could save me?
No, what I fear is that I have so little faith.

life

Its really something I don't understand
, don't think I ever will and still don't think I'd ever want to fully.
Seems like we're always rushing to get somewhere ,
but I haven't quite found wherever it is I feel that I am supposed to be going.
Why is it that I can be so focused on getting through something and on to the next thing, rather than enjoy life where I'm at and all the little steps it takes to get there...
Strange how we can so easily be lured into this hungry for more society,
without even realizing it maybe,
then you take a look at yourself and think.
When did this happen?!
Stepping outside of this trend you realize you truly don't ' fit'.
Maybe I don't care so much about fitting!
What good is it to gain the world and forfeit my soul?!
Why does it seem so hard to be satisfied?
I want to learn the secret to being content in any and every situation.
There's so much room to grow and so much more to know,
so why do I sit around and not get anywhere!
Faith without deeds is dead.
Realizing that its not all about me.
There is far more need and hurt going on in the world than in my little bubble.
I say I'd do anything and go anywhere for you...but what if thats not what you ask me to do?!
You have set eternity in the hearts of men,
so that they cannot fathom what you have done from beginning to end.
faith in what is seen is no hope at all, for who hopes for what he already has...